St Valentine’s Day Massacre

Not that we’re at all bitter and twisted or anything about f*cking Valentine’s Day, but myself and my good friends Ann and Lindsay had an interesting conversation today which sprung from the following email from a fellow singleton:

“Unfortunately a slight drought, or bad seed has struck the man field. I blame a bad crop and some poor sowing on my part as one bad seed does tend to lead to another and affect the farming process in general. However, with some fresh seeds and a more positive farming effort on my part perhaps the reaping will improve sometime soon…”

We then compiled a list of the aforementioned bad seeds which can be seen below. Despite my esteemed colleagues' protestations, I have changed the names as I don’t wish to be sued.

You know who you are…

1. Greg: A seed that doesn’t respond to any farming and is only interested in its reproductive ability: will never sit well with any farmer.

2. Richard: A seed that thinks it will grow better than any other seed and that you are more interested in it than any other seed. Will eventually be cast aside by a wise farmer.

3. Russell: A seed that only responds when it feels like it and pretends to be interested in your farming, when really you know it’s not. Should be left to rot.

4. Ryan: A seed that is difficult to farm and really not worth the effort. Tends to spread itself through to other crops, even though it has no business in any field other than its own. As a consequence the farmer must use a harsh weed killer to try and stop it infecting good crops with its worthless rot.

5. James: A fat, balding seed.

6. Tom: A seed which grows into a beautiful strong flower, but may be poisonous: farmers are still awaiting test results.

7. Ryan II: A seed which somehow convinces you it is worth investing time into farming, often years. Beware of this seed as it is definitely not worth the investment. It lies about its growth and thinks it is more attractive than it is.

8. Enzo: A very poisonous seed, avoid at all costs—if the farmer makes contact with this toxic flower it may take years to recover.

9. Chris: A very charming and persuasive seed that will then pretend you don’t exist after it has got what it wants. This seed has severe issues, having never had a serious farmer in its life before. The seed is not young either.

10. Tim: A seed which jumps from serious farmer to serious farmer with only minimal gaps in between.

11. Dave: A seed that seems to need to be tended to by two farmers, but would rather the farmers don't know about each other.

12. Benedict: A strapping seed which looks as if it will turn out well but is unable to communicate with the farmer effectively. Eventually it will move to a different county (also comes with a smaller seed which is far too scary for your average farmer).

13. John: A seed which claims not to want a farmer, but which then runs away with a different, far uglier, farmer.

14. Any seeds that are too old, or from Liverpool or Greece. We would NOT recommend them to any potential farmers. They do not grow in accordance to normal expectations, and in fact think you are demanding too much if you even want them to respond at all.

The only way forward is some serious genetic modification…