Everything sucks

Another truly excellent desktop reminder

2012-01-31T17:34:00.000Z

Sell me down the river

2012-01-11T13:57:00.015Z

As my regular readers (hello Daddy!) will know (I think – I can’t actually remember if I’ve mentioned it before), I suffer from a fairly serious fish phobia. Only of alive ones (I have no probs with cod and chips), which are over about six inches long (it’s a very specific phobia). I’m forever trying to conquer it via ill-advised trips to aquariums (I’ve shivered and sweated through various shark tunnels in the UK, USA and Europe) and by watching TV about big fish. Enter ITV’s River Monsters.
It’s presented by “extreme angler” Jeremy Wade. I can't decide whether I love him or if I want him to get eaten by a river monster. He’s like the Daily Mail of wildlife presenters – always over the top, fear-mongering and never understated. He says things like this:
- “...there's only one way to find out – by putting myself on the menu.”
– “I’m entering a primeval wilderness.”
– “Without protective clothing these eels would’ve ripped into my flesh and tried to eat me alive.”
– “This has gone beyond curiosity. It’s become a feeding frenzy. It’s time to get out, get out, get out!”
Unfortunately it’s this rubbish which makes him not very easy to take seriously. And his insistence on talking about “human flesh” all the time (he never says “skin”)*. I feel like if he’d lost a few fingers like Terry Nutkins I’d take more notice of him. And if he ever actually found a monster in a river.

The good news is that that my flatmate and I have invented a new drinking game where every time he says “flesh” you have to have a drink. It was six times last night. So keep up the good work Jeremy.

My new year’s resolutions

2012-01-03T15:51:00.003Z

1. The usual get fit, don't eat a 500g Dairy Milk bar in one sitting, etc., etc.
2. Stop being whiny.
3. Don’t fall out of taxis.
4. Stop having inappropriate crushes on inappropriate boys.
5. Be more positive about the Olympics (repeat after me “it won't be a Terminal 5 type disaster”).

Arts and crafts

2011-12-08T13:28:00.004Z

I'm going to a novelty Christmas jumper party this weekend. I didn't have time to order one so I've made this. Revel in my creativity.

Editor high jinks

2011-09-28T10:11:00.002+01:00

You can tell I live in a house full of editors (all two of us). Last night was spent rewinding Gok Wan's something-about-shopping programme in disbelief at the terrible typos in some of the graphics. He used some “spray piants” to customise a T-shirt and also bought a skirt from “Pimark”.

Just goes to show that everybody needs a proofreader.

From my web browser

2011-07-15T14:46:00.003+01:00

Not done on purpose. But sums up my life quite well.

Mother Nature’s striking back

2011-06-30T17:41:00.000+01:00

Three headlines from Sky News today:

Snake Breeder Killed By His King Cobra's Bite
Mating Turtles Block Runway At JFK
Nuclear Reactors Shut Down By Jellyfish

Scary stuff.

Racketeering

2011-06-28T10:19:00.002+01:00

Inspired by Wimbledon, I decided to play a bit of tennis on my Wii yesterday. I dutifully cleared the floor so I had enough room to jump around. A tense doubles match ensued. Picture the scene. It's match point. The crowd is waiting with baited virtual breath. Letting out a Sharapova-esque grunt, Wilkin goes for a particularly tricky overhead. And smashes into the paper lampshade, punching a large hole in it and causing a rain of dust (onto the clean sheets), such as the world has never seen.

Which is why, Gentle Reader, exercise is not to be encouraged. It causes damage, may well make you lose your deposit and makes a horrible mess. Plus today I can’t lift my arms above my shoulders.

I've been cheating on my blog

2011-06-22T11:32:00.001+01:00

With this blog here. I'll shortly be buying my blog flowers and grovelling for forgiveness.

Money laundering, Walthamstow style

2011-05-19T15:30:00.002+01:00

It went through the washing machine.
Ha, ha, ha.

I love my Mummy

2011-05-19T15:26:00.004+01:00

She went out wearing two watches the other day. By accident. But it was lucky because one of them had stopped.

Close encounters

2011-03-17T21:37:00.003Z

I think I just saw a UFO. Four in fact. They looked a bit like chinese lanterns and were accelerating at quite a lick over Walthamstow. Maybe that's the coming apocalypse!

It probably was four chinese lanterns but let's not rain on my apocalyptic parade.

Slightly sobering

2011-03-13T10:57:00.002Z

This is an email from my dad's friend in Japan following the horrible events there in the last few days:

From: Kiyoshi 青柳
To: RJW
Sent: Friday, 11 March, 2011 10:09:47
Subject: Re: Hello!

I was playing golf with my wife and wife's sister and her husband and it happened at the 16th hole.. (We are all safe and all my family are ok..). But I have just seen earthquake crack in the
ground (the first time in my life).. It was 20 meter long and 50 cm width and growing.. Nevertheless.. we played until the end...

Good to see that life (and golf) goes on!

Apocalypse maybe

2011-03-09T13:09:00.004Z

I always seem to be rambling on about apocalypses. There's at least two posts here already about impending doom. As I wrote them in 2007 they probably didn't come to anything (unless it's a really slow burning apocalypse). But, now look what's happened: “Millions of dead sardines have been found floating in a harbour near LA in the States. This comes a couple of weeks after two million fish were found dead in Maryland and 500 birds fell out of the sky in Louisiana. And just before that, 5,000 blackbirds did the same thing in Arkansas.” I'm off to start stockpiling tinned goods. PS I have some lovely pictures of dead fish and birds but Blogger won't let me add them. Dammit!

Desk stuff continued

2011-02-24T18:09:00.001Z

I don't have any drawers at my new desk.

Where am I going to keep my croutons!?!?

Everything but the kitchen sink

2011-02-10T12:17:00.007Z

I'm leaving my current job tomorrow and have spent the last few days clearing out my desk. Five and a half years' worth of accumulated junk has so far filled four carrier bags and a rucksack. Here's some of the more random finds:

A packet of croutons (with garlic);
A Shaun of the Dead graphic novel;
A badminton racquet;
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (book);
Kingdom of Fire (Wii game);
One plimsoll;
Another packet of croutons (cheese);
Four cardigans;
A Go Ape badge; and
A Robert Pattinson mask.

Thought for the day revisited

2011-01-11T10:30:00.000Z

Bubble bath from the 99p shop = minor rash.

Thought for the day

2011-01-10T16:48:00.003Z

Bubble bath from the 99p shop = no bubbles.

Second best reminder ever

2011-01-07T16:03:00.002Z

Ridiculous song lyrics #1

2011-01-07T09:40:00.001Z

A new series perhaps? This is from the Eminem/Rihanna duet Love the way you lie:

"Now you get to watch her leaving out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane."

Erm, no, I don't think it is.

Comment of the Christmas holiday

2011-01-03T11:35:00.001Z

From my mum: "I don't drink very much. I only ever have one drink at a time."

Through a glass darkly

2010-11-23T14:40:00.006Z

I can't help thinking that Glasses Direct might have missed a huge email advertising opportunity here.

Product placement

2010-11-23T13:52:00.002Z

I'm currently helping to write retrospectives of all the James Bond films for Filmwerk. So far I've done Dr No and Goldfinger. Next up is A View to a Kill which, in my opinion, is the most rubbish Bond film ever. I wonder if I can write a review without actually watching it...

No thanks

2010-11-20T09:18:00.001Z

Just got an email with the subject line "Qantas 4-day seat sale starts today". I'll bet it does. Think I'll skip that one.

A cut above the rest

2010-11-17T10:06:00.002Z

Last time I went to the hairdressers, the man (I’m on very friendly terms with my hairdresser) said (imagine this in a camp Brazilian accent): “Oh, your hair is in very bad condition; you must immediately buy some very expensive leave-in conditioner, otherwise it will all fall out and you will die alone to be eaten by your cat” (I may be paraphrasing). I did however, take his advice and spend an extortionate amount of money on a teeny-tiny can of miracle spray which promised to change my life forever.
When I went back to said hairdressers last night, feeling quite smug about the fact that I had taken his advice and must surely now have beautifully conditioned hair, he said “Oh, you use too much product on your hair, it is too heavy and I must dig my fingernails into your head and shake you around loads whilst washing it to get all of the nastiness out.”
I hate you, Brazilian hairdressing man!

Starstruck

2010-10-29T16:57:00.003+01:00

I went to a preview screening of "Paranormal Activity 2" the other day (see www.filmwerk.co.uk for the review). I got very over-excited as Kim Newman (writes for Empire magazine) was there as well as James King (Radio 1 film critic). Then, behold, like a big-quiffed angel, appears Mark Kermode. He's my film-reviewing hero. So, obviously, I can't stop turning around, staring and then giggling when he caught my eye (I think my sister was very embarrassed). Despite the fact that I caught his eye again when we were leaving (I think I just did a massive blush that time) I didn't manage to pluck up enough courage to actually speak to him. Then my mate tells me that apparently he downloaded Mark Kermode's podcast of the review of PA2 (as we in the bizz call it) and he specifically mentioned a "female reviewer who obviously wanted to come and talk to me but was too nervous".

I'm flattered and ashamed all at the same time!

More shameless self promotion

2010-09-02T11:15:00.003+01:00

Further evidence of me poncing about pretending to be Barry Norman:

http://www.glasswerk.co.uk/reviews/national/9330

Eli Roth plus the two leads and the director were at the screening for a Q&A session afterwards. I dared my sister to ask him why he’s going out with Peaches Geldof but she wouldn’t.

Are they looking for a new presenter for Film 2010?

2010-08-26T09:14:00.003+01:00

I am now a published film critic. Kinda. I got to go to a press screening of Scott Pilgrim vs the World (you get free popcorn at press screenings!) and you can bask in my reflected glory here:

http://www.glasswerk.co.uk/reviews/national/9304

PS. I think Claudia Winkleman got the Film 2010 gig.

Best reminder ever

2010-07-16T15:49:00.003+01:00

I was very pleased when this popped up at 3.45 on a Friday afternoon...

Proof that GCSEs really are getting easier

2010-06-26T10:41:00.001+01:00

"Dappy" from "NDubz" has an A* in English.

Do not proceed if you are "Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells"

2010-06-24T10:14:00.002+01:00

My dad bought a timer from Homebase yesterday and was reading the instructions when he noticed this:

Property on my road is getting very hard to come by

2010-06-22T09:52:00.002+01:00

Cult classic

2010-06-02T09:15:00.005+01:00

Last night, after visiting some friends and their new baby, I was sitting at the bus stop, waiting for a bus (obviously), feeling very slightly depressed about my biological clock, and therefore somewhat slumped in the chair. A young man approached me and engaged me in conversation (something of a rarity in itself)—inevitably, this being the one day I'd left my iPod at work, I was missing my usual defence against people wanting to talk to me (I'd had a few glasses of wine as well so I didn't have the forethought to pretend to be foreign which is my second defence against people wanting to talk to me). My excitement at being chatted up waned however, when he prodded the young lady sitting next to me and asked her to remove her headphones and listen as well. Turned out he was from a “youth church” in Edmonton and wanted to invite us to come along next Wednesday to talk to “other young people" about life, work and anything else we'd like to discuss with our “peers”. Plus there would be “lots of boys there”.

Unfortunately, rather than focus on the positives of the situation i.e. that I look young enough to attend a “youth church”, all I could think about was the fact that I apparently look like I have several problems which need discussing.

Eventually he went away (without my phone number) and proceeded to pester a bunch of other “yoofs”. I turned to the girl next to me, smiled and said “I only wanted to get on a bus, not join a cult,” to which she smiled sweetly and replied “Innit.”

Witty title not available at time of going to press

2010-05-07T13:50:00.002+01:00

I've just had one of my wisdom teeth out. I have to have them all done but at £250 quid a pop, I have to spread the pain out. And boy, did it hurt. Check out my bin:

I've probably spent another £250 on painkillers.

News story of the week

2010-05-06T13:26:00.004+01:00

“A teenager has escaped an ASBO and a ban on wearing his trousers so low that his underpants are visible because of the Human Rights Act.”

So it's not the best news story because he's escaped it – it was this comment from the director of the civil liberties group Big Brother Watch that made it: “As in this case, the term 'human rights' is frequently abused, rightly leading to ridicule. There is no human right to show people your pants. On the other hand, this Asbo is completely unenforceable. The proper punishment for the comically low-riding trousers favoured by some people is that we all think they look like idiots.”

Revenge of the Id

2010-04-26T14:10:00.002+01:00

Last night I had a dream that Jeremy Clarkson was my boyfriend. A few months before that I dreamt that I was going out with Phil Mitchell, and just before that it was Len Goodman. Seriously, who's next? Gordon Brown? Eamonn Holmes? Shudder.

Why does my subconcious hate me?!?

A bird in the hand

2010-04-08T09:46:00.003+01:00

I just spent four days in the countryside and didn't see much wildlife of note (apart from a lot of pheasants), then came back to London, walked to the shop (to buy some wine, obviously - softening the blow of going back to work after the long weekend) and saw a kestrel snatch a chaffinch in mid-flight and proceed to rip its head off and eat it. Lovely.

Am I a pervert?

2010-03-26T09:24:00.003Z

I have one of those DVD mail rental list things and these were my most recent recommendations:

So, it would appear that I aspire to be a Henry James heroine being wooed intelligently by good-looking Victorian men by day and a roller-skating spandex-wearing psychic pornstar superhero by night. No wonder I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

And I've already seen all those films.

I fought the law and the law won

2010-03-23T14:03:00.004Z

I was looking something up in my legal dictionary the other day and came across the following which made me smile:

I looked up the Vagrancy Act 1824 and apparently courts have the power to “to detain and keep to hard labour and punish by whipping rogues and vagabonds and incorrigible rogues”.

I think most of my ex-boyfriends fall into the incorrigible rogue category.

Random receipts

2010-03-23T13:59:00.001Z

RIP Corey Haim*

2010-03-12T09:42:00.005Z

Another 80s celebrity shuffles off...

When I was about 14 I had a life-sized poster of Corey Haim above my bed. Once it fell on me in the middle of the night. I almost had a teenage heart attack, but, once I'd recovered, I knew that we were meant to be together and one day we'd be married with Corey Feldman as best man and Kiefer Sutherland officiating.

I think I may have to give up on that dream now.

*Please note the lack of a “death by stereo” joke.

If the shoe fits...

2010-03-12T09:36:00.005Z

So, I'm walking to the escalator at the tube station on the way home when my foot goes a bit funny and I do the now familiar stagger, arms pinwheeling, cannoning off my fellow commuters, etc., etc. I look down and realise that the heel has come off my boot and is hanging at a precarious angle. Then I look closer, and notice that I've actually trodden on the heel of someone else's shoe, which obviously fell apart earlier in the day. This has become glued to my foot, causing the aforementioned stagger (obviously this was rush hour—these things never happen when it's quiet and there's no one around). After some particularly interesting moves whilst going up the escalator I finally manage to dislodge it. So, I would like to say a special thank you to the person whose shoe disintegrated at Walthamstow Central. Especial thanks to you for not bothering to pick it up (obviously I didn’t pick it up either, but that’s not the point). I hope you fell over too.

Things I think about on the way to work

2010-03-03T13:06:00.000Z

I was sitting opposite a man on the tube this morning who was wearing one of those jackets that’s all pockets and toggles and Velcro (I think they might be for sailing or some such activity). On the sleeve was a pocket marked “Security Pocket”. What, pray tell, is the point of that? Is it that it’s so secure you wouldn’t be able to find it without the sign? Or was it designed by a criminal who wanted to draw all pickpockets in the area’s attention to where you’re hiding your valuables? And if it is for sailing, so your stuff doesn’t fall in the water, then surely all the pockets should be security pockets? Plus, if that’s the case, then, much like 4x4s in London, you shouldn’t be allowed to wear it on the tube.

Happy Valentines Day

2010-02-12T16:38:00.003Z

Slimfast diet continued (yes, I'm still on it)

2010-02-08T12:25:00.004Z

Day 10: I've lost 3 pounds!

And was it worth the debilitating hunger pains, constant shaky hands and alcohol tolerance of a 12 year old?

Yeah baby!

Slimfast diet continued

2010-01-28T10:20:00.001Z

Day 3: Cut lip much better. Gargantuan hangover after getting royally drunk on two vodka and slimline tonics. At least it was cheap...

Slimfast diet

2010-01-27T13:11:00.003Z

Day 1: Bloated and have terrible wind. But hunger pangs not too bad at all.

Day 2: Never been so excited about a cold sausage (my snack for today) in my life. Cut my lip on the tin foil it was wrapped in due to desperation to get it in my mouth.

[Insert snow related pun here]

2010-01-06T10:01:00.002Z

So, once again, the entire country has ground to a halt due to a bit of cold weather. Pensioners are burning books to keep warm, we're running out of gas and thousands of people are stranded in their cars.

Hang on though... don't we live in BRITAIN?! A country famed for huge taxes, binge drinkers and, wait for it, BAD WEATHER. Unless there's been some fairly serious global warming in the past week, as far as I'm aware, we're not known for our tropical climate. Not to mention the fact that I knew it was going to be cold about a week ago from a very clever, obviously top secret (as the people who control the gritting/transport system/fuel supplies in this country obviously missed it) TV programme called a WEATHER FORECAST.

*Takes deep breath*

Okay, I'm done now. And apologies for all the uppercase usage—the rant seemed to warrant it. I'm off now to take 45 minutes to do a 15 minute walk because I can't get on a bus in Central London and the pavements haven't been gritted. Brilliant.

One last thing—I now can't wait for the 2012 Olympics! I'm sure that won't be a collossal Terminal 5-like embarrassing disaster.

Apologies...

2009-12-23T12:46:00.005Z

...for the lack of any new posts in a very long time. I've not been feeling the need to vent my spleen in a while and don't have any comedy falling over stories either. I would however, like to draw readers (if I have more than one/any left) to the following website: lamebook.com. It is utter genius. Examples include:

Although it does make me want to kill myself a little bit - apparently the majority of the citizens of this planet are remarkably stupid/cannot spell at all/quite racist/think it's fine to post pictures of poo on a social networking site.

More Derren-moaning

2009-11-20T13:42:00.001Z

After Derren Brown failed miserably to stick me to my chair a few weeks back, it was with breath baited that I waited for Channel 4’s 3D week, and the promised extravaganza of 3D magic. Oh, how disappointed I was. When I didn’t have my eyes closed (the two guys eating pretend razor blades and sawing their arms up just made me feel sick), the 3D was so rubbish that all that happened was that I strained my eyes by sitting too close to the television (in a Poltergeist style) in a vain attempt to make it better. I saw more respectable 3D on a cereal packet in the 80s. Boo.

Burn, baby, burn

2009-11-17T11:20:00.003Z

I was just standing in the kitchen at work and poured a cup full of boiling water over my hand. Unfortunately, there were three directors in the kitchen at the time so, as I am the epitome of professionality whilst in the office,* I had to hold in the barrage of bad language which I wanted to unleash. So, here it is:

sh*tfu*kb*ggery*b*stard!?!!!

*Apart from the fact that I'm writing a blog at 11.41 on a Tuesday morning.

I am NOT old enough to be his mother

2009-11-17T11:17:00.003Z

Sarah, my flatmate, and I are going to buy a full-size cardboard cut-out of Edward Cullen instead of a Christmas tree this year. We think he’ll look very festive with some fairy lights and baubles draped artistically over him. Although, as Sarah pointed out, we may have to buy two to avoid one helluva custody battle when we have to move out…

PS Dan, if you're reading this and you call me a retard again I'm coming over to Stokey to sort you out.

Do-you-think-he-saurus

2009-10-23T12:50:00.004+01:00

This is a poster from a train advertising all the fun things you can do in parks in London. Imagine my surprise when I read the small print. In case you can't read it in the image, it goes as follows:

“Here you can explore:

• Ancient woodlands • Delightful boating lakes

• Ferocious dinosaurs • Imaginative play areas

• Places to picnic • Wild nature reserves • Working farms”

FEROCIOUS DINOSAURS!?! Why are they keeping this Jurassic Park-style miraculous fun from us? Can we too have “An Adventure 65 Million Years In The Making”? Why is this not in massive letters at the top of the poster!?

Is it "Darren" with a typo? continued

2009-09-22T14:00:00.002+01:00

I'm fine by the way.

Is it "Darren" with a typo?

2009-09-18T14:58:00.003+01:00

I'm planning a night in with a large glass or two of red wine and Derren Brown tonight. Apparently he's going to stick the nation to their sofas (as far as I'm concerned this isn't much of a trick—getting me off my sofa would be more impressive). But, what if I get stuck there permanently? I am quite suggestible (at least, I always want to buy all those products you see in infomercials in the middle of the night—last week I got really excited about a mop). My flatmate is away for most of the weekend which means I could theoretically be stuck there for a full two days. If anyone's reading this, can you check I'm alright at some point over the weekend? Thanks.

RIP Patrick Swayze

2009-09-15T13:27:00.001+01:00

Thank you for making my teenage years a bit more bearable.

Guh-gung... guh-gung...

Return of the Stalker AKA does anyone know Viggo Mortensen?

2009-09-02T13:47:00.002+01:00

I have decided, as I seemingly have nothing better to do, to make it my mission in life to meet all of the actors in the Fellowship of the Ring. I've met (and bought a drink for) Sean Bean (who was drinking Baileys on ice—not very manly) and have been in the same room as Sir Ian McKellen (see video below). So that's two. My friend Lindsay saw Orlando Bloom (Legolas)on Holloway Road so I'm living vicariously through her and claiming that one too (though I would quite like to buy him a drink). My friend Tamsin went to school with Dominic Moynahan (Merry) and was once sent out of class by his dad (who was the teacher) so I'm having that one too. That just leaves me three hobbits (Elijah Wood, Sean Astin and Billy Boyd—though I don't mind skipping the last one), a dwarf (John Rhy-Davies) and the lovely Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen). Any one able to help (particularly with Viggo. Please)? God knows why I'm single.

All the fun of the fair

2009-08-26T13:37:00.006+01:00

I was standing on a street corner with my sister on Saturday (waiting for a friend—we're not prostitutes), when I saw a man holding what looked like a goldfish in a bag. “Aw,” I thought, “how lovely, he must've won that at a fair somewhere. I wonder where, perhaps we could go...” (I had a bit of a hangover so my thoughts were rambling). Just as I was pointing it out to my sister, he got a bit nearer and I realised that it was a colostomy bag. Lovely.

One ring to rule them all

2009-08-24T09:44:00.004+01:00

I have just spent most of this lovely sunny weekend in a darkened room with no windows. No, I haven't been arrested, I have been to see the three Lord of the Rings films back to back at the Imax. It started at midnight on Saturday night (it was quite weird going into town in jeans and a jumper carrying a cushion and being surrounded by drunken people in party clothes on their way home...) and finished at 10.30 on Sunday morning.

So, we're sitting there and listening to the announcement about where the loos are, etc., when they say that there's going to be a special guest. So I'm thinking, it's probably going to be some guy in a Gollum costume, or maybe someone from The Lord of the Rings: The Musical (which I've also seen). I turn around and guess who's coming down the stairs? It's only Sir Ian Mckellen! Fricking Gandalf!

Some may say I need to get out more, but it was one of the most memorable evenings I've had. And I've got it on video:

Amazing.

Yay! Mark 2

2009-08-24T09:41:00.002+01:00

I would like to be the second to congratulate Kate and Will on their new baby boy via the medium of blog, as Dan already beat me to it. Congratulations guys!
And please call him Griff Griffiths.

Possibly the weirdest sentence in an email ever

2009-07-29T09:54:00.000+01:00

“You know, Hugo's (not Theo) got an abalony (abalone?) knife and links to Indonesia. I'll look it up on Wikipedia.”

Consider yourself... slightly disappointed

2009-07-16T12:13:00.003+01:00

Imagine my excitement when I saw that Wolf from Gladiators would be playing Fagin in the stage production of Oliver! Then I got a bit closer and realised that it was someone else entirely. How brilliant would Wolf have been!?!

Pesky bad eyesight.

Dr Terror's House of Horrors

2009-06-29T14:04:00.003+01:00

I watched this 60s Hammer horror film over the weekend (in which Roy Castle got higher billing than Donald Sutherland—weird) which had the best line ever (delivered by Bernard Lee of Bond film fame whilst gazing into the middle distance):

“A plant like that... could take over the world.”

Genius.

Blame it on the spell check

2009-06-02T12:00:00.002+01:00

From: Wilkin, Emma (SMG Europe) Sent: 28 May 2009 15:24

To: Hannah

Subject: Meeting this afternoon
Hello, I see that meeting room 3A is free at 3.30—shall we move our meeting there? I think they might be hovering in the cafe around this time which can be a bit distracting!

That word is supposed to be "hoovering". Although I wish they were hovering—that'd be much more interesting.

BEST. GAME. EVER.

2009-05-22T16:38:00.005+01:00

Wii Lego Star Wars.

Is this for real?*

2009-05-21T13:34:00.003+01:00

The following article was reproduced on the website Digital Spy (where I get all my important celeb gossip):

“Alec Baldwin has apologised for making a joke about wanting a Filipino mail-order bride to bear his children.
The 30 Rock star was branded 'arrogant' and 'insensitive' by a Philippines senator after making the comment during an appearance on The Late Show With David Letterman last week.
Writing on his Huffington Post blog, he said: 'I believe that most people understood that this was a joke and took it as such. (A dated reference, no doubt, and another sign of my advancing age). However, I do apologise to anyone who took offence.' He added: 'The comments of some Philippine government officials come as no surprise to me... Such anger and frustration about the issue of sex trafficking is understandable.' Senator Ramon Revilla, a former action movie star, had suggested that Baldwin would face 'mayhem' if he ventured to the Philippines following the remark.”

Now take a look at the advert to the right of the article.

Is this someone's idea of a joke or targetted key word advertising gone mad?

*Please note that I did get taken in by a news article about sat nav trainers on April Fool's Day, so my levels of gullibility are quite high...

This came from a carton of six eggs I bought:

2009-05-17T21:46:00.003+01:00

So many comments and so little time...

I thought I had a stalker...

2009-05-17T21:40:00.001+01:00

...but it turned out to be a wrong number.

Alarming

2009-04-28T13:31:00.001+01:00

Walking to work from the tube I noticed a few funny looks, but didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I got near my desk and took my head phones off that I realised my (100 decibel) rape alarm was going off in my bag. God knows how long it had been running.

Fame at last

2009-04-23T15:15:00.005+01:00

Advert for a room

2009-04-17T17:15:00.001+01:00

“i am loking for tenants non smoking that are profeshanal and responsable in maner.”

Obviously speaking English isn't a priority.

Lost Boys II: The Tribe

2009-04-02T13:54:00.002+01:00

As a huge fan of the original (I was 13 when I watched it and it kicked off a life-long love for vampire films and literature), I was almost pant-wettingly excited about this. It was never going to fulfil the hype and is a very lacklustre affair. Nothing really happens (except for a lot of blood and boobies - sometimes at the same time). Corey Feldman reprises his role from the original and, bizarrely after years of abuse, looks and sounds almost exactly the same (even delivering the same lines at one point: "I think I should warn you all, when a vampire bites it, it's never a pretty sight. No two blood suckers go out the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode. But, all will try and take you with them.") So, it finished, the good guys killed the vampires surprisingly easily and I was quite disappointed. Then I watched the alternative endings. Haim and Feldman reunited! It was worth the rental just for that (there's also a mid-credits scene with them both, but I only realised this after I'd sent the DVD back - obviously). Apparently there may be another film in the offing... Lost Boys III: Return of the Coreys? Please let it be true!

Culture Vulture

2009-04-01T13:06:00.002+01:00

This is me “enjoying” an exhibition with my sister at the Saatchi Gallery on the King's Road.

Nivea/Way too much time on my hands continued...

2009-03-19T13:20:00.001Z

“Dear Emma,

Thank you for your e-mail regarding our recent Nivea For Men Silver Protect Deodorant advertisement.

We must apologise for the grammatical error on this advert and I can assure you this matter has been brought to the attention of our Marketing Department.

Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble in contacting us.

Yours sincerely

Eleanor Aston, Consumer Relations Advisor”

Quick soapbox moment

2009-03-19T13:13:00.003Z

I generally try to avoid being too serious on here, but I'm feeling the need to draw your attention to the following. This is taken from

http://www.petrolprices.com/:

“In just 2 weeks fuel duty will rise again, bringing the total tax paid at the pumps to 71 pence in every pound - despite Prime Minister Gordon Brown promising not to raise fuel duty...

Fuel duty is set to rise by roughly 2 pence per litre on April 1st meaning that 66 pence of the average litre of fuel goes directly to the Treasury. Fuel tax goes into a central government tax pot. It's not necessarily allocated back out to motoring, so fuel tax can be spent on anything – the NHS, housing, pensions or even banking bailouts.

At the height of soaring pump prices Brown made a promise during Prime Minister's Questions on July 16th 2008 not to raise fuel duty for a year. He stated: 'In recognition of the problem people face with petrol, we are freezing duty on petrol for the full year.' Brown broke this promise in December 2008 when he added 2 pence per litre to fuel duty to offset the reduction of VAT to 15%... He is set to break the promise for a second time on April 1st when fuel duty on unleaded and diesel will rise 1.84 pence per litre. Including the additional 15% VAT on top this will make the rise at the pumps around 2 pence per litre.”

Lies, lies, lies. I don't know why the British people voted for him. Oh yeah, that's right—we didn't.

Okay, that's it.

Way too much time on my hands

2009-03-18T14:10:00.001Z

“Dear Nivea,

I would like to complain about your current advert for Men's deodorant containing silver. It begins “Who would of thought...”. This is some of the worst grammar I've ever seen. It should be “Who would HAVE thought...” or, at the very least, “Who would've thought...”. Every time I see it on the tube I get really angry (as does the rest of the editorial department I work in). Perhaps employing a proofreader might be a good idea?

Best wishes,

Emma”

Yet another great day

2009-03-10T12:40:00.002Z

First thing this morning I had a minor elbow-war with a man on the tube (you know, when you both jostle for space on the arm rest). I sort-of won, but I did have to sit with my arm at an exceedingly unnatural angle for the entirety of my tube journey meaning an achy shoulder for the rest of the day... still at least I proved my point!

Then, about half an hour ago, I knocked a pint of water over, completely soaking my lap, chair and legs (along with a piece of handwritten work related stuff which I've been looking for for ages and had only found a few minutes before—obviously now it's barely legible). I then spent 15 minutes under the hand-drier in the ladies, in some kind of weird yoga position (I think it was a crap version of downward facing dog) trying to dry my bottom. Oh, the humanity!

The Moomins

2009-03-08T01:05:00.004Z

I've been watching The Moomins on DVD (the proper old-school sinister fuzzy felt ones—not the cartoon ones) and there's two foreign characters who turn up about half way through. No one speaks their language and I can only assume that they're seeking some kind of asylum. Due to the fact that no one can understand what they're saying, everyone calls them “Thingummy and Bob”. Genius.

PS Check out Moomin-Mama's handbag—I'd love to know what's in there.

PPS Next up, Dungeons & Dragons followed by Ullyses 31. I am very excited.

Random comments from this weekend

2009-02-23T22:50:00.003Z

“As long as I concentrate and don't hit a penguin, it'll all be fine.”
“I'm sorry, I've only got one steering wheel.”

There were more but I've forgotten them.
I'm sorry, there's not much going on at the moment!

W(h)ine

2009-02-06T13:44:00.003Z

This morning, as I got ready to trudge through the freezing sleet to the the tube station, where the trains probably wouldn't be working anyway, I noticed a stray wine bottle under the bed (yes, I know that sounds a bit dodgy) which I thought I should take down to the recycling. Having my hands full, I stuck it in my handbag for safe keeping.

It wasn't until I got to work and opened my bag in front of several colleagues at 9.30 in the morning that I realised I'd forgotten to put in the recycling. The more excuses I made, the more of an alcoholic I sounded.

Email gaffe of the week*

2009-01-07T16:25:00.005Z

My very good friend Lindsay sent the following email to a colleague in Hong Kong. It was meant for her sister.

“stray gnome pube”

Brilliant. Here's hoping it gets lost in translation...

*Possibly the year—but we have only just got started.

Never been so frightened in my life

2009-01-05T22:53:00.003Z

The sunglasses are hiding the fear in my eyes.

Another Emma special

2008-12-23T09:14:00.002Z

In my usual organised fashion I decided to write myself a note yesterday to remind me to do something. Also as per usual, I didn't get it quite right.

Dominican Republican

2008-12-18T16:57:00.005Z

I've just returned from a week in the Dominican Republic (where the people are, and I quote, 10% catholic and 90% alcoholic—I will be moving there shortly). No run-ins with customs which was a bonus for me (apart from being stumped by the fact that they don't accept their own currency in several places). The one time I did stack it though, the whole event was caught in glorious technicolur on DVD. Unfortunately it's not comedy enough to earn £250 on “You've Been Framed”.

Shortly after that my sister (accidentally) kicked a horse in the head, which would definitely have earned us 250 squid, but they didn't catch that bit. Pictorial evidence of horseriding to follow, but in the meantime, here is a picture of how most of the evenings were spent.

Look what I achieved at work today

2008-11-20T11:28:00.003Z

I tried to do my face as well but someone walked in so I had to pretend to be cleaning a non-existent mark off the glass.

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii # 2

2008-11-13T09:51:00.004Z

At the risk of royally humiliating myself, I thought that my loyal readership (of 2? Maybe 3 at a push) would enjoy the attached video of me on my Wii fit, hula hooping. Obviously.
Note my carefully chosen gym clothes—a pair of very flared jeans and a cardigan.

Lack of material

2008-11-07T13:40:00.005Z

Due to the fact that nothing very interesting has happened to me recently, I thought I'd share this recent email exchange between myself and my sister. Lazy I know, but it made me laugh.

-----Original Message-----
From: Georgina Wilkin

Sent: 07 November 2008 09:44

To: Wilkin, Emma (SMG Europe)
Subject:

Morning, morning, morning! It's Friday! Are you still going to the pub after work? xxxx

-----Original Message-----

From: Emma Wilkin

Sent: 07 November 2008 09:45

To: Wilkin, Georgina - L

Subject: RE:

Hurray for Friday!
We most definitely are going to the pub after work. We're leaving here at 4.30 so will have pint in hand at at 4.32!
xxx

-----Original Message-----
From: Georgina Wilkin

Sent: 07 November 2008 09:56

To: Wilkin, Emma (SMG Europe)

Subject: RE:

Wonderful, I finish at 4 so will get there about 4.30 (if it's still okay for me to join you...?) I really fancy a pint!

-----Original Message-----
From: Wilkin, Emma (SMG Europe)

Sent: 07 November 2008 10:01

To: Georgina Wilkin

Subject: RE:

Course it is! Will be lovely to see you xx
PS Fancying a pint at 9.57 in the morning? And they say I'm

-----Original Message-----

From: Emma Wilkin

Sent: 07 November 2008 10:02

To: Wilkin, Georgina - L

Subject: RE:

... the alcoholic.
Sorry, pressed send before I'd finished. That's the booze.

-----Original Message-----
From: Georgina Wilkin

Sent: 07 November 2008 09:56

To: Wilkin, Emma (SMG Europe)

Subject: RE:

Ha ha, that was very funny, I just made a loud snorting noise when I read it and there's just me and a lady sitting in a very quiet reception... Ah well, it's friday.
I didn't mean I want a pint right now I just mean I know I'll want one tonight, so ease up boozy.
Xxx

Catalogue of disasters (# 28,569)

2008-10-22T14:11:00.005+01:00

In the last few days I have:

Worn massive heels for a whole day and night out and not even stumbled, then put on my flats for the walk home and promptly fell off a kerb and buggered my dodgy ankle for the gazillionth time;
Run for a bus a few days later, tripped on a broken paving slab and twisted the other formerly good ankle, then not been able to fit on the bus anyway;
Contracted the cold from hell (thank you Pops);
Paid money off my credit card, only to realise a few days later that I had a digit wrong and have seemingly paid off some random’s credit card to the tune of 300 smackers.

On the plus side, I have lost three pounds and have tickets for The Mighty Boosh live show tomorrow. So it’s not all bad. Just mostly.

It was a mistake, honest!

2008-10-22T13:08:00.002+01:00

I was just trying to access my Alliance and Leicester credit card account, the address of which is www.aandl.com. Instead of typing that, I entered www.anal.com. You can imagine what I got. I bet the boys in IT are having a field day.

Spot the typo revisited

2008-10-21T12:47:00.003+01:00

It appears that Lufthansa have been reading my blog (or perhaps employing the use of a spell checker) as I saw their advert in the paper today and they have corrected the glaring spelling mistake in it (see below for original rant). Hurrah.

“S” is also for “Sh*t taste in music”

2008-10-14T21:00:00.003+01:00

In light of Dan’s challenge to come up with my favourite songs by artists beginning with "S", here are my efforts (though I did cheat slightly by just going through the "S"s on my iPod). In no particular order:

Needles by System of a Down: Features the lyrics: "My tapeworm tells me what to do/My tapeworm tells me where to go/Pull the tapeworm out of your ass, hey." I think it might be about not doing drugs or the media or summink, but who cares when you’ve got lyrics like that. Great to sing along to in the car.

New Slang by The Shins: My favourite song ever. Makes me think of rainy days for some reason. It does lose a lot of points for once being featured in a Mcdonald’s advert though.

Plush by The Stone Temple Pilots: I first heard this song on The Chart Show one Saturday morning and I loved it from first listen. I think I was about 12 at the time. One of my all time favourites.

The Only Living Boy in New York by Simon and Garfunkel: Despite having been listening to Simon and Garfunkel for years, I’m ashamed to say that I only came across this a few years ago on the soundtrack to the film Garden State (which was also where I discovered The Shins—god bless Zach Braff). It’s basically Paul Simon having a go at Art Garfunkel for buggering off and leaving him on his own in New York. Bless.

Ghost Town by The Specials: There can’t be that many songs which are this good when the subject matter is Margaret Thatcher's policies which the band believed would increase the large-scale unemployment already present in the United Kingdom, particularly in Scotland and England's industrialised north and Midlands regions (yes, I did steal that from Wikipedia).

So, there you have it. I have been ribbed for my terrible taste in music on several previous occasions, but I stand by my choices. "My tapeworm tells me what to do...."

Spot the typo

2008-10-10T09:01:00.003+01:00

This is an advert for Lufthansa. Perhaps we can blame it on the language barrier? Perhaps not.

Perhaps worse is that I think the bloke on the tube thought I was taking a picture of him.

You spin me right round

2008-10-09T10:35:00.002+01:00

Have you ever stood on the metal plate of a bendy bus (the bit which rotates when it goes round corners—i.e. makes it bendy)? It's a bit like being on a very slow treadmill.
That's my exercise for the week sorted.

You get what you pay for

2008-09-29T15:15:00.008+01:00

I went to Pizza Hut (classy I know—we had a 50 per cent off voucher) with my sister on Friday night. We had a table booked for 9 o'clock. We entered and I shouted “We have a table booked for 9” at the waiter over the screaming children and drunk people. So what does he do? Sits the two of us at a huge table for 9 people.

And this was Saturday night...

God definitely gave rock and roll to us.

Things you don't want to find on your chair

2008-09-26T13:12:00.003+01:00

I had been sat on them for a good ten minutes or so before I realised.

Random thought of the day

2008-09-25T13:49:00.005+01:00

“If I was wearing my new boots and I got stuck in the Labyrinth, I wonder if I would be able to run away from the Cleaners?”

Yes, that is the kind of rubbish which fills my head all day.

More pedantry

2008-09-18T10:19:00.004+01:00

Less pedantry than actual anger at the myriad of typos and complete lack of any kind of coherent sentence structure in the below email received from an estate agent:

“I understand your concern over the market, and you may be right in thinking that the market could slow down a bit further (even dough a really doubt will go much further down). Why are you not making your math up, and taking in consideration further movement in the market you come up with an offer that you are comfortable with? Unfortunately the vendor is start thinking to rent the place out and sell it in few years when she could maximise her profit (she knows that the neighbour flat, also a 3 bed, was sold by us last year at 347k). If you are not happy with that, just feel free to contact us in couple of weeks and see whether the property still for sale.

Regards.”

Why she not learn speak English?

The London equivalent of a Diet Coke break

2008-09-17T13:55:00.004+01:00

This is about as close as my office are ever going to get.

Pedantry

2008-09-15T11:09:00.002+01:00

To the person who put together the temporary sign at Stratford Station—the plural of taxis is not “TAXI'S”. Go to the bottom of the class.

Down the plughole

2008-09-10T09:10:00.004+01:00

Apologies for the lack of posts for a while. I seem to be behaving particularly well and am now always on the look out for potential hazards. A bit like Robocop.

This morning however, I was rinsing my hair (having washed it the night before) in the bathroom sink. I very carefully put the candle out on the side of the sink (my landlady is away and my flatmate and I can't turn the bathroom light on so we've been washing by candlelight—don't ask) so as not to set fire to my hair, then bent over the sink with the water running. Next thing I know my hair is being sucked down the plughole and has wrapped itself around the column down the drain. A full minute of struggling (and a face full of water) later, I manage to yank the majority of it out at the roots, resulting in a blocked sink and a sore scalp. Yet another great way to start the morning.

In other (good) news, I have just booked a trip to the Dominican Republic and will be staying here. I'll be back from New York for four days then off to the sunshine with my sister, all just before Christmas. I am not going to be at all smug though, as otherwise there's bound to be a hurricane, strip-search, international incident or other such unpleasantry.